Disagreeing respectfully
Session 1: Began today’s session by explaining the benefits of being able to disagree respectfully. Explained that it can increase our ability to manage interpersonal conflicts, improve quality of overall communication, and help us maintain interpersonal relationships in home, work, and social environments. Engaged Sarah in a discussion about different disagreements she has had in the past and how those disagreements were resolved. Asked her to think of 1) disagreements that ended in yelling, refusing to change or compromise, or refusing to work out the conflict; 2) disagreements where she wanted to express an opinion but was afraid to do so; 3) how she felt when she avoided expressing her opinion for that reason; and 4) how she thinks those situations could have been handled better. Praised Sarah for participating and explained that in our next session, I would provide suggestions on how she could improve the outcome of disagreements.
Session 2: Reviewed the experiences Sarah recalled last week in which disagreements were not resolved the way she wanted them to be. Suggested she could improve the outcome of future disagreements by learning techniques for disagreeing respectfully. Introduced the skill of expressing opinions using a calm tone of voice and non-threatening body language. Modeled speaking in a neutral, balanced way, and demonstrated the use of respectful phrases such as “another way to look at it might be” and “in my opinion”. Modeled appropriate body language by standing at arm’s length from Sarah. Explained that this distance shows I am engaged but is neither “in her face” (too close) nor submissive (too far away). Maintained eye contact without staring, used her name frequently, left my arms uncrossed, and maintained a pleasant facial expression. Praised Sarah for her willingness to consider my suggestions and told her that in our next session, we will go over other things she can do that will help her resolve disagreements more effectively.
Session 3: Reviewed the two techniques for disagreeing respectfully that we covered in last week’s session. Refreshed Sarah’s memory by modeling the use of a calm tone of voice and maintaining engaged but non-threatening body language. Introduced another skill Sarah can use resolve disagreements more effectively, which is encouraging the sharing of viewpoints. Explained that it is important to protect each other’s right to share viewpoints comfortably, especially if they are opposing viewpoints. Modeled doing this by asking Sarah to re-create a situation in which she’d recently expressed frustration, then listening to her without interrupting, and showing her I was paying attention by making eye contact, commenting when appropriate, and using attentive body language. When she was finished, I demonstrated comprehension of what she said by restating what I understood her concerns to be. I went over what I had been modeling to be sure Sarah understood what she was seeing and hearing, and why it mattered. Praised Sarah for participating in today’s exercise and explained that in our next session, I would offer more suggestions on how she can resolve disagreements more effectively.
Session 4: Reviewed the skill for disagreeing respectfully that we covered in last week’s session, which was encouraging the sharing of opposing viewpoints through the use of eye contact, body language, and good listening skills. I then introduced two more ideas to help Sarah resolve disagreements more effectively. The first was affirming her right to disagree. Explained to Sarah that she has the right to voice her opinion in a positive, sharing, open tone – not just with peers but with people in positions of authority, such as doctors, therapists, and others. But along with this right, she has the responsibility to remain respectful and informed, and to use polite language at all times. The second idea I introduced was the importance of avoiding negative talk. Explained to Sarah that accepting disagreements and making her opinions heard did not mean she had to use hurtful or negative language. If she finds a discussion is becoming negative, she should take a moment to calm down, then try to turn the discussion in a more positive direction. In some situations, it might be necessary to change the subject or the style of discussion. Suggested that if she wasn’t sure what to do, she could just say, “I think we need to speak more respectfully”. Modeled this for her by playing two roles, one giving criticism and one receiving it, and demonstrating when to step back, regroup, and try to take the exchange in a more positive direction. Praised Sarah for working with me today and told her we would discuss more skills and strategies for resolving disagreements in our next meeting.
Session 5: In prior meetings, Sarah and I discussed how to disagree respectfully during face-to-face interactions. Today we began a discussion of conflict resolution skills that do not involve direct contact. The first was learning to monitor our own feelings. Explained to Sarah that it was easy for people to become overly sensitive when they are sick, tired, or under a lot of stress. At times like these, it is important that they step back from the situation and re‐evaluate whether it could be handled at a later time. Encouraged Sarah to begin thinking about how illness, exhaustion, and stress affect her personally, and to make note of any patterns she observes. Offered suggestions for things she can do when she feels the time is not right for face-to-face interaction, such as writing a letter to the other person and throwing it away, confiding her feelings to a friend, yelling into a pillow, and discharging her energy in other healthy ways. Praised her for participating and explained that we would continue the discussion next week.
Session 6: Continued the discussion we began last week about when and how to express disagreement. Introduced the skill of delaying reacting to criticism until we are in the right frame of mind to respond. Explained to Sarah that when people are criticized, their instinct is to respond immediately, before they have a chance to think about what they have heard, when their adrenaline levels are still high. If they respond during this phase, they are more likely to shout, make threats, say hurtful things, and react without thinking things through. Described and modeled ways of avoiding this, including taking deep breaths, focusing on my breathing, counting to 10, buying time by excusing myself temporarily ("I need to use the restroom, I’ll be back in a minute"), or by telling the other person, honestly, "I’m feeling upset right now, and I want to think about your suggestions when I’m calm and collected. Let’s resume this discussion tomorrow." Praised Sarah for participating in today’s session and explained that in our next meeting, we would discuss another option for disagreeing respectfully from a distance, without face-to-face interaction.
Session 7: Last week Sarah and I discussed two ways she could respond to criticism when she wasn’t up to a face-to-face meeting or was concerned that it might lead to an escalation of anger. Today I offered a third suggestion, which is replying to the criticism in writing. Reviewed the pros and cons of this method. In terms of pros, I pointed out that it gives people time to cool down, think carefully about what they are saying, make changes, and be sure they say what they want to say. In terms of cons, it prevents people from communicating through body language, which carries at least as much information as the words they use, and opens up the possibility of misunderstandings that could take days or weeks to correct, rather than being clarified on the spot. Reminded Sarah that she cannot undo a message she writes in anger after it has been sent, even if she realizes she was just upset or frustrated at the time. Suggested that if she chooses this option, she should not send the message immediately, but wait at least two or three hours, or a full day if she can. When she is calmer, she should go over the message and re-write any parts she feels need changing before she sends it.